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skyster99
Dec. 10th, 2007
11:29 am
Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which
this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the
excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged,
must end in disappointment. If it be asked, what is the improper expectation
which it is dangerous to indulge, experience will quickly answer, that it is
such expectation as is dictated not by reason, but by desire; expectation
raised, not by the common occurrences of life, but by the wants of the
expectant; an expectation that requires the common course of things to be
changed, and the general rules of action to be broken.
- Samuel Johnson
contemplativeNov. 21st, 2007
02:29 am
Just some lyrics that apply to all the things running through my head...
"It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy"
"I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah"
I'm stuck in a coma
Stuck in a neverending sleep
And some day I will wake up
And realize I gave up everything
"I won't be saved
(So follow your bliss, it reads on my chest)
I won't be saved
(I know I got it tattooed for a reason)
I won't be saved
(I shut the door and turn all the lights out)
I won't be saved
(I listen to all the songs that the night shouts)"
...yea that's about it. I feel so empty on the inside, like I have nothing left to give.
blankOct. 21st, 2007
03:46 pm
It's funny that this is my horoscope today....
Taurus: You've been craving a change of scenery, so now's a great time to travel. Whether internationally or just a nearby town, the change will do you good.
So I know I have a lot here in Hartford, and my friends are the best ever, I couldn't ask for any better. And I try and occupy myself with them as much as I can. I also know this break-up is only 3 weeks old, and I know all the "time will heal" stuff. I also cleared SO much up this weekend with Shawn, and it was very nice. It's good not to have to question things in my head. I just want solid answers, no ambiguous stuff, and that's what we did. We laid it out like it is.
It's just those times I do spend alone are the hardest for me, and they just seem to unravel any progress I make. Thoughts fill my head, I get angry, sad, mad at myself, sometimes I laugh, and sometimes I cry. Everything is just so confusing and I don't know what I want anymore. I do so much harm to myself and other I feel like. There is nothing more he can do, he has been the best through this all.
Part of me wants to leave Hartford, but part of me says that I'll just be running from everything. I don't want to give up on everything, but it's hard to when you preoccupy yourself, just so you don't feel that lump in your throat that hurts so much.
I make myself busy as a means to numb any feeling I have. Part of me feels like I need to get out of here for a while. Just for my sanity and to make things easier for everyone.
Anyways...I have to study for my mid-term, read 100 pages again and do a paper. Some reason I don't think I'm even going to make it through this.
Oct. 4th, 2007
03:44 pm - The dreadful breakup...dun dun dun...
Ok. Sooo it's finally happened. I knew it was inevitable. But the thing is it's got me feeling so many emotions. At first, I was SO reluctant, you couldn't imagine. But then I got to thinking as he was saying it's what we need. And to tell you the truth behind all of my wonderful (great sarcasm there) emotions, I couldn't agree more.
Shawn was very unhappy these last couple weeks, and to tell you the truth, in turn, so was I. I was unhappy that I was making him feel so down, almost to the point where he was just so "dead" whenever it was me and him. I love this kid more than my own life. If I want him to be happy, if I want to be happy, if I want us to be happy, this needs to happen.
I look at it as a break more than anything. It's just we need to be technically "single" because we need to experience the full thing; not having the relationship tag, or the "complicated" tag. It's a break up. But that doesn't translate to done, finished, over, never again; it simply means that until we can be happy with ourselves, develop a friendly relationship, then we can think about where we want to go and in what directions.
Right now, I do want to be with him, and I am very hopeful that in a couple of weeks that we will be at that point. That we will sit down and say "ya know what I have learned 'x' and I think 'x'."
Like I told Shawn, I can't wait for that point to come, but it;s going to take a great amount of effort, definitely on my part, and a good amount of time.
So I guess the purpose of this entry is to give myself a "to do" list of how I can improve things between us. These things I really want to do, so I can prove to him, and more importantly, myself, that I can do this. So here goes nothing...
To Do List:
--I want to learn how to be okay going to bed alone. That going to bed alone only makes it that much more special when the day comes that I get to hold him again.
--I want to refrain from calling so much. The point of this break up is not to cut each other out, but to limit the time we spend together.
--I want to be content with seeing him once a day, or once every other day.
--I want to not eat that cheesecake in my fridge, and everything else in my sight just to drown my problems. (Also cuz the cheesecake really is for Shawn not me lol).
--I want to be strong, as strong as Shawn, as in the sense that I can be as confident as he is. I doubt myself, him, and us a lot. It's not fair to him at all. He hasn't done one thing wrong, but I would always find a way to bring up an issue.
--I need to trust. I need to trust that what he says is for real, because to tell you the truth he never has told me anything that wasn't true. I don't know why I doubt things, when, if I just look back at the last year, nothing has led me to doubt things.
--I want to give Shawn his space. I suffocated him in our relationship; that's not healthy at all. I nagged, and begged, and got upset. I don't want Shawn to be me, I want him to be Shawn, that is who I feel in love with, that's who I need back.
--I want to be me again, as well as Shawn be him again. I think this is a key point. We found each other last November, and we can find each other again. I want us to be those two people we fell in love with last year.
--I want to not think about this break negatively, because in all actuality, it is something that will reward us with so many benefits. It gets me literally sick to my stomach thinking about this break up, that I almost throw up. I wish there was a remedy to it, but then again there is...for me to not be so stupid. lol.
I think that is a pretty good list for now. I want to look back on this entry each day, and see if I made progress in any of these. This is a test for me to see if I am ready to be back with him. He means the world to me, and if I truly mean that, these are the things I need to do. So let the friendship begin, it's only the start of something that, I believe, will lead to so much more happiness. :-)
HopefulSep. 30th, 2007
Sep. 25th, 2007
12:18 pm
You win. I'm going to be out of your life. You can do everything that makes you happy, because I have not been able to do that at all. Sorry for everything.
Sep. 23rd, 2007
04:53 pm
I'm not even mad anymore. It's more a feeling of numbness or a feeling like I just am going to stop trying.
I know you have work to do, but to take 5 minutes to sit with me, kiss me, hug me, tell me that you missed me, or something would have been really nice.
I guess I'm done talking to you about it because every time I get upset, it seems that you just get aggravated and just get "so fed up with this stuff." I guess I shouldn't expect to tell you when things bother me.
Those 5 minutes would have been really nice, especially since you don't know if you will sleep over tonight. Honestly if you told me well I'm going to be coming back when I'm done with my hw, then I would have been okay with you just leaving right away. But it's like you don't know if you can make the time for me, and I'm sick of "forcing" you to hang out with me.
Also, I'm sick of hearing how cute you think everyone is when I can't remember the last time you gave me a compliment.
To think of it in general, I'm just sick of it all I guess. I'm sick of trying to spend quality time together. I'm sick of worrying about who is going to kiss you next when they are drunk, or just an asshole. I'm sick of wondering if you want to spend the night with me, or whether you even want to do things with me anymore.
Do what you want at your own discretion, because I know I always can accommodate you into my plans, but it's like I have to be given a thought first, and maybe even two.
Sick of it all.Sep. 13th, 2007
12:48 am
I guess I never thought of it in that sense before. You stated your case, and honestly I couldn't disagree with it one bit. Everything you said made complete sense. It's just that sometimes I feel like I want you to want to spend that quality time with me also. I guess if we are together a lot, it spreads the time thin, like there is no time for actual quality time. So it is probably best for me to back off for a while. Do the whole every other night sleeping thing, or not hanging out every day. Kind of like a boyfriend from afar. I don't know, who knows it could work out better in the end. All I know is you need your space, and I'm tired of invading it. I know I trap you in a corner or it feels that way sometimes. I just never ever intended for it to be that way. I love you and would never do such a thing on purpose. I guess I don't know how to have such a great thing and not wanna have it all the time. You make me feel so secure in your arms, and when I'm not there, I will admit, my insecurities show their ugly side. In all actuality I want you to be happy, and in the end, it will come back to me and make me happy. So it's worth a shot and I'm sorry for the people I've hurt or made mad along the way by "stealing" you from them. I had the mentality of hanging as a group, and never thought there would be issues. Oh yea...happy 10 month.
Jun. 29th, 2007
02:50 pm
Pending on these next few days, we'll see where I stand. I'm not feeling too good, and not for one specific reason, it's an overall type thing. Not one thing happened, just a combination of things. I'm not as strong as I appear to be, and just because I don't say how I feel anymore, doesn't mean I don't feel certain ways.
blankJun. 7th, 2007
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