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Dec. 10th, 2007

11:29 am

Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which
this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the
excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged,
must end in disappointment. If it be asked, what is the improper expectation
which it is dangerous to indulge, experience will quickly answer, that it is
such expectation as is dictated not by reason, but by desire; expectation
raised, not by the common occurrences of life, but by the wants of the
expectant; an expectation that requires the common course of things to be
changed, and the general rules of action to be broken.

- Samuel Johnson

Current Mood: contemplative

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Nov. 21st, 2007

02:29 am

Just some lyrics that apply to all the things running through my head...

"It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy"

"I'm not dead just floating
I'm not scared just changing
You're my crack of sunlight yeah"


I'm stuck in a coma
Stuck in a neverending sleep
And some day I will wake up
And realize I gave up everything

"I won't be saved
(So follow your bliss, it reads on my chest)
I won't be saved
(I know I got it tattooed for a reason)
I won't be saved
(I shut the door and turn all the lights out)
I won't be saved
(I listen to all the songs that the night shouts)"

...yea that's about it. I feel so empty on the inside, like I have nothing left to give.

Current Mood: blank

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Oct. 21st, 2007

Oct. 4th, 2007

03:44 pm - The dreadful breakup...dun dun dun...

Ok. Sooo it's finally happened. I knew it was inevitable. But the thing is it's got me feeling so many emotions. At first, I was SO reluctant, you couldn't imagine. But then I got to thinking as he was saying it's what we need. And to tell you the truth behind all of my wonderful (great sarcasm there) emotions, I couldn't agree more.

Shawn was very unhappy these last couple weeks, and to tell you the truth, in turn, so was I. I was unhappy that I was making him feel so down, almost to the point where he was just so "dead" whenever it was me and him. I love this kid more than my own life. If I want him to be happy, if I want to be happy, if I want us to be happy, this needs to happen.

I look at it as a break more than anything. It's just we need to be technically "single" because we need to experience the full thing; not having the relationship tag, or the "complicated" tag. It's a break up. But that doesn't translate to done, finished, over, never again; it simply means that until we can be happy with ourselves, develop a friendly relationship, then we can think about where we want to go and in what directions.

Right now, I do want to be with him, and I am very hopeful that in a couple of weeks that we will be at that point. That we will sit down and say "ya know what I have learned 'x' and I think 'x'."

Like I told Shawn, I can't wait for that point to come, but it;s going to take a great amount of effort, definitely on my part, and a good amount of time.

So I guess the purpose of this entry is to give myself a "to do" list of how I can improve things between us. These things I really want to do, so I can prove to him, and more importantly, myself, that I can do this. So here goes nothing...

To Do List:
--I want to learn how to be okay going to bed alone. That going to bed alone only makes it that much more special when the day comes that I get to hold him again.

--I want to refrain from calling so much. The point of this break up is not to cut each other out, but to limit the time we spend together.

--I want to be content with seeing him once a day, or once every other day.

--I want to not eat that cheesecake in my fridge, and everything else in my sight just to drown my problems. (Also cuz the cheesecake really is for Shawn not me lol).

--I want to be strong, as strong as Shawn, as in the sense that I can be as confident as he is. I doubt myself, him, and us a lot. It's not fair to him at all. He hasn't done one thing wrong, but I would always find a way to bring up an issue.

--I need to trust. I need to trust that what he says is for real, because to tell you the truth he never has told me anything that wasn't true. I don't know why I doubt things, when, if I just look back at the last year, nothing has led me to doubt things.

--I want to give Shawn his space. I suffocated him in our relationship; that's not healthy at all. I nagged, and begged, and got upset. I don't want Shawn to be me, I want him to be Shawn, that is who I feel in love with, that's who I need back.

--I want to be me again, as well as Shawn be him again. I think this is a key point. We found each other last November, and we can find each other again. I want us to be those two people we fell in love with last year.

--I want to not think about this break negatively, because in all actuality, it is something that will reward us with so many benefits. It gets me literally sick to my stomach thinking about this break up, that I almost throw up. I wish there was a remedy to it, but then again there is...for me to not be so stupid. lol.

I think that is a pretty good list for now. I want to look back on this entry each day, and see if I made progress in any of these. This is a test for me to see if I am ready to be back with him. He means the world to me, and if I truly mean that, these are the things I need to do. So let the friendship begin, it's only the start of something that, I believe, will lead to so much more happiness. :-)

Current Location: F comp

Current Mood: Hopeful

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Sep. 30th, 2007

Sep. 25th, 2007

Sep. 23rd, 2007

04:53 pm

I'm not even mad anymore. It's more a feeling of numbness or a feeling like I just am going to stop trying.

I know you have work to do, but to take 5 minutes to sit with me, kiss me, hug me, tell me that you missed me, or something would have been really nice.

I guess I'm done talking to you about it because every time I get upset, it seems that you just get aggravated and just get "so fed up with this stuff." I guess I shouldn't expect to tell you when things bother me.

Those 5 minutes would have been really nice, especially since you don't know if you will sleep over tonight. Honestly if you told me well I'm going to be coming back when I'm done with my hw, then I would have been okay with you just leaving right away. But it's like you don't know if you can make the time for me, and I'm sick of "forcing" you to hang out with me.

Also, I'm sick of hearing how cute you think everyone is when I can't remember the last time you gave me a compliment.

To think of it in general, I'm just sick of it all I guess. I'm sick of trying to spend quality time together. I'm sick of worrying about who is going to kiss you next when they are drunk, or just an asshole. I'm sick of wondering if you want to spend the night with me, or whether you even want to do things with me anymore.

Do what you want at your own discretion, because I know I always can accommodate you into my plans, but it's like I have to be given a thought first, and maybe even two.

Current Location: Good ole F comp

Current Mood: Sick of it all.

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Sep. 13th, 2007

Jun. 29th, 2007

02:50 pm

Pending on these next few days, we'll see where I stand. I'm not feeling too good, and not for one specific reason, it's an overall type thing. Not one thing happened, just a combination of things. I'm not as strong as I appear to be, and just because I don't say how I feel anymore, doesn't mean I don't feel certain ways.

Current Location: Room

Current Mood: blank

Current Music: Passions haha

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Jun. 7th, 2007

Jun. 5th, 2007

09:13 am

So as much as I want to ask, I also don't want to ask. I do wonder what you do when you get drunk. I wonder what you did last night. I wonder if when you joke that you're "more easily seduced when you're drunk" if it's true. I wonder if you slept in your own bed.

But like I've realized, if I act like I don't care, things go smoothly, so I guess that's how I'll act.

(Side note: I'm watching "Today" and this guy who is the editor of men's health, has a lazy eye that is very very hard to miss.)

Anyways back to my rambling. I'm happy when he talks to me, but I'm not happy when I can't talk about how I feel. Its like a bittersweet thing, I get what I want by giving up something I feel like I need to express. And as much as I may be happy when he calls and talks, I feel like since I can't talk about my feelings, I'm not being me. I don't know how to make sense of it. I'm just afraid that the more I hold back, the more I'll try to convince myself that I don't care and eventually really not care.

Current Mood: Venting

Current Music: Today show

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Jun. 4th, 2007

11:28 pm

I try to understand, but I don't. I love you with all, ALL, of my heart, and it's scary when I don't know how to control my emotions. I go from saying one thing to saying another. I want to work through everything. I have plans for this summer, but I don't know what I want to do anymore. I decided all of my "talks" will just be entries. I guess it's the same as telling him how I feel. It's just that I am fed up of everything. I'm glad you're having fun and what not. I guess it's selfish to ask you to miss me and want me to be in your bed next to you, but that's how I feel about you, I miss you and hate going to bed alone every night. Eh, this is the start of throwing away my emotions, and I know it's going to lead to bad things. But hey nothing else seems to work, so I guess why not try this? I talk to myself pretty much by typing it all, it's almost the same as saying it out loud I guess. I just don't get the "I know"'s or "Yea"'s.

Current Mood: crappy

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May. 30th, 2007

04:22 pm

So a lot of my entries have been about my relationship with Shawn and how crappy it's been. Well this is a new one... I am pretty happy with it. We haven't seen each other for a week and a half and won't see each other for another 2 weeks. But the way things are going, I'm finally happy. I realize you cannot expect a person to change if all you do is knock them down. Not that I was knocking him down, but from what I said constantly, it's a lot and it would knock anyone down. I wasn't mean or anything, it's just the constant saying "you don't do this, you don't do that" gets to be a lot. So instead of saying you don't do this or that, I am saying he is doing a lot, and we both are trying something new in our relationship. I must admit I haven't smiled in a while, and now I am =)

Current Location: Jen's dorm

Current Mood: happy

Current Music: Oprah!

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May. 27th, 2007

May. 24th, 2007

May. 22nd, 2007

05:59 pm

So having a clear head is helping me situate things in my relationship.

I guess I put blame a lot on Shawn and also myself. I am always trying to see why certain things are the way they are, why he thinks the way he does, why sometimes he doesn't miss me, or why he doesn't tell me "I love you" "I miss you" sometimes. So what I realized is that I'm trying to fix something that I shouldn't have to nor should try to fix. It is what it is.

I am ready to let go if I have to. I am not going to worry about things anymore. No more worrying about other boys and being jealous. I don't even want the "I love you" anymore unless it comes naturally nor the "I miss you."

I mean it will take time for me to get to that point, but I am on the track to getting there.

I pour my heart out to Shawn. I give EVERYTHING, and I still don't feel like it's a burden or responsibility; I do it because I want to, because everything I give is genuine and I am trying to become closer.

He's going to do Red Caps stuff (orientation for the Freshmen) for the next 2 1/2 weeks, and I've made it obvious that I'm going to miss him. I've made it more than clear I would love to hear from him at least every night to say goodnight.

But it all cxomes back to expectations. I used to go through the same thing with my parents. I would always expect things from them, and after months, and years of realizing that I couldn't depend on them, I stopped expecting. I just have to stop expecting from Shawn, or not expect as much.

I love him with all my heart, I really do. But I can not go on this way anymore. I can't keep giving more than him. Things effect us differently and I don't think these certain things should. I just don't like wanting to spend time with him and hearing "it isn't a big deal to me" from him. I should be a big deal to you, I should be wanted, you should want to see me.

Slowly I keep getting further away and pretty soon I'm going to be too far.

Current Mood: blank

Current Music: Akon - I tried

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May. 20th, 2007

May. 7th, 2007

08:14 pm

...one by one, they're all leaving...

well, I guess it was good while it lasted.

Current Mood: blank

Current Music: Robin Thicke - Lost Without You

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May. 6th, 2007

Apr. 30th, 2007

02:54 pm

So this school year is coming to an end. The beginning of the year I was unsure as to how college would turn out. I met some of the most amazing people (3rd floor stevens)and had the most fun I've ever had. November rolled around and Shawn came into my life and I was swept off of my feet. And before I knew it, the first semester was over and it was an amazing first taste of college.

Second semester rolled around and when I compare it to the first semester, it is the complete opposite. It's like night and day. Anyways the focus of this entry (like the last four million) is about me and Shawn and how I'm feeling.

I find myself talking to him more and trying to resolve issues that keep coming up with me. I get the feeling that he doesn't think I should feel this way. I wish I didn't have these emotions, but I do and I can't help it. I know he loves me and cares about me. We deal with things, like our feelings, in different ways. I talk it out, wanting to get over things, he doesn't like to talk and is in a sour mood until I leave him alone and he can think to himself for several hours.

I find myself convincing myself more and more that we aren't in the right relationship. Well at least that he's not. And I know he has the same thoughts, that I can be with anyone else and get what I want out of that relationship. But the truth is that I probably could find someone who wants what I want, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I want what I want from Shawn, not from some person I could potentially meet. I want what I want because my feelings are for Shawn, and I want to be happy with Shawn, I want Shawn to hold me, I want Shawn to call me for no reason just to say hey and see how my day is going.

I find myself also thinking that I'm more of a burden than a good thing to him. He said that he finds himself doing or not doing things just to make sure I don't get upset. No person should have to feel that way. I don't want to be that person and the only way I know how to not do that is by not being a part of him. I know he's got a lot of things to do and people to see in the next couple of weeks and I should be okay with not being a part of it, but I cant seem to be okay.

Also, I say I want him to do things because he wants to but I can't get it through my head that if he wanted to do the things I want him to, he would. But since he doesn't why do I find myself pushing so much for him to? Obviously I want him to do it because he wants to, but if I ask him isn't he just doing it because I want him to? The only way I can legitimize it is that I just want to hear it whether it means something or whether it's just and "empty" action or feeling. I guess it's an oxymoron.

I just want to try so hard, but I feel like my trying is just an attempt to get him to do things he doesn't want to do. So what I have left to answer is this:

1. Am I willing to be happy with what he is just willing to give?
2. Should I keep trying? Because it is just making him do something he's not willing to do on his own.
3. Is it that I push too hard that he doesn't want to give? Is it my own fault?

I wish he could answer these for me because it's driving me insane. I don't know what to do anymore and it's ruining me, it's ruining him, and it's ruining our relationship as well as our relationships with our friends.

Current Location: B Complex with Crissie and Sam :-)

Current Mood: blah

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